Today was supposed to be a super good once in a lifetime kinda day. I don't generally get very many days like that since Julian. But today was that day! I woke up spritely out of bed to the sound of my four year old crying. He fell out of his chair while eating his breakfast that daddy served. Pretty typical morning in my life. Sigh. As I was making the bed ready to cease the day, I see out of the corner of my eye a text from my cousin. I curiously open the text, it starts off with the words 'respectfully' and a few words later a 'sorry'.
As it turns out, this close relative was tearfully apologizing for her brother's decision to name his baby-to-be none other than JULIAN?!
No, this is not the endearing type of baby naming where the intent is to honor a deceased relative. That would be a much different story. This was the sort of selfish and insensitive type of move that many relatives like to play after a baby is lost in the womb. I know countless of insensitive moves played on so many baby loss mamas from all walks of life. I've considered myself fortunate enough to have had only a few to tell. But never did I imagine that I would walk through something like this.
The fact of the matter is that my papa-to-be relative probably is completely clueless of the fact that I lost a baby boy at thirty-one weeks. That his name was Julian and that it was absolutely the most painful thing I have ever lived through. My aunt probably never told him about my experience because things like that are 'private' and baby loss is not something you talk about. Well, now the consequences of that have caught up to them and my well meaning relative has his heart set on Julian for his baby's name. In the end, I definitely don't blame him but the hurt is still there.
It's not like I have a monopoly on the name Julian. That's not what my rant is about. It's not about a name. It's about respect, love and empathy (or the lack there of) between relatives and many baby loss mamas out there today. It's a problem that needs to be spoken of. It's a shame really.
If you have been hurt by a 'well meaning' relative, here is my prayer for you today.
Healing Father, please bring peace and acceptance into our hearts.
What others do or say is outside of our control and we are not responsible for the insensitivity of those around us. Allow us to meditate on all the things that are good and beautiful as we inhale our deepest breaths. As we exhale the air out of our lungs, allow our bodies and souls to also exhale all negativity harbored inside. Strengthen us with a peaceful and tranquil heart as we forgive all who have hurt our soul. Enable us to seek tranquility in you. May we find your healing hand in the mountain tops, in the fresh air, in your word and in all good things that bring us joy. Amen.